Confusion In The Castle
by Darkwolfpup22
Summary: A collection of UNRELATED one-shots stemming from the first chapter about what happens when, Jake English, John Egbert, Dave and Dirk Strider go to Hogwarts and get mixed up with certain students. Its funnier than it sounds... I'm just terrible at summaries.
1. The one that started them all

**This is the first in a series of UNRELATED oneshots that involve Jake, John, Dirk, Dave and maybe Jade if I can find a way to incorporate her. **

**The only thing that will stay the same throughout the series is the FIRST CHAPTER! The rest are all just different things that happened in different timelines**

**Ok start**

"Hog-warts" Rose slowly as she studied the envelope.

You could practically see the question mark above the others heads.

"Can you read it aloud please Rose?" asked Jane as she mixed the pancake batter.

Rose nodded and gave a small cough before reading the letter out loud

"Dear Mr John Egbert, Dave Strider, Jake English and Dirk Strider, you have all been accepted to the school of Hogwarts Witchcraft And Wizardry for a trial run due to your extraordinary gifts, we are sorry that your other companions could not make it but unfortunately we only have four spaces. Plus I think it would be best if the girls had some time away from the boys for a while-"

"It's not wrong" laughed Roxy as she raised her margarita in a tipsy salute.

Rose gave a small eye roll and continued

"-However due to complications that should be best left unsaid, only I and Proffesor Mogonagul shall know that you have arrived at the school, the rest of the teachers and the students unfortunately will not know you are indeed here. Please note that this invite does not extend actually being part of the school but merely a trial run to see if you are suitable as you are muggles... which is a being without magic. You're powers have been disscussed at length and are not considered the right type of magic for the school. You will be joining in the middle of the 5th year. We hope to see you tommorow at school, your tickets have been enclosed inside the envelope.

- Headmaster Albus Dumbeldore"

Everyone was silent, it seemed no one know what to say. Jade then decided to break the awkward silence with a cheerful outburst

"Well, I was saving these for our outing next week but since your leaving tommorow I might give them to you now."

Jade practically skipped up to Jake and John (who had become very close) and handed them both a small case. John and Jake looked confused at first before opening them and gasping.

"Really Jade?"

"Golly Jade!"

Jade laughed

"I thought that it might stop you from forgetting me"

John and Jake tried on the new glasses, they were circular like Jade's and they both looked around the room and laughed.

"I'll use them as my back up pair" said John with a huge grin.

"Quick question... why do I have to go to this shitty school?" came a voice from the couch

Jake sighed

"Because Dirk! You wouldnt leave me alone in a big old school where anyone could hit on me would you?" said Jake faking innocence and fright while blinking very fast with large eyes.

Dirk stiffened and then relaxed

"Fine, I'll come"

Jade and Rose giggled and Jake winked at them.

-The Next Day-

"So this is Hogwarts" said John as he gazed up at the big castle

"Why does it have such a stupid name again?" asked Dave in a notulant tone

Dirk gave him a look that clearly stated that he agreed with him and draped his arm casually around Jake's shoulders noticing the blush from Jake that came with the action.

"Well... umm... how do we get in?" asked John

The boys all looked around fo a while before shrugging. John facepalmed and used the wind to fly upwards a little.

"Hmm" he said. He flew up to the side of the castle and touched it before pulling his hand away and sending a shrug back down to others before joining them on the ground again.

"Great... so what should we-"

There was a flash and they were all suddenly standing in an office that held a tall man with a white beard and half moon spectacles.

"-do?" finished Dave.

"Welcome boys. You rooms are on the left of the corriddor after exiting this room. I hope they will be to your liking, you may get changed and then explore the castle until lessons finish. And remember that only I and Professer Mogonagull know of your presence here."

The boys looked at eachother before Jake gave a nod and they all exited the office.

-TIME SKIP-

John looked at himself in the mirror, he had settled for his black t-shirt with the ghostbusters movie sign on and a pair of blue jeans, along with a pair of blue sneakers. He checked himself out a little more before then turning round to face the others.

Jake was wearing a white t-shirt with his sign (a green skull) on covered by a forest green short sleeve comat jacket and beige jeans with forest green trainers. He was currently lying on the bed and tying his shoelace.

Dave was wearing his normal get-up. A long sleeved red and white top with a broken record on, black jeans, and red converses. He also had his white and red heaphones in and was bumping his head to a song.

And Dirk was wearing a white t-shirt with an orange hat on and black jeans with orange and white trainers. He was adjusting his shades in another mirror and wiping them with a cloth without actually taking them off of his face.

"Ok, well, I'm going to go explore" said John after a while. Jake stood up,

"I'll go with you. Dirk refuses to leave a room until his shades are perfect and the last time I waited for him for an hour."

John laughed and jogged out the door closely followed by the ever-longing-for-adventure Jake.

-A bit of exploring later-

"Golly! Hey John, come and look at this... the paintings move!" called Jake as he studied the painting.

John was soon next to him looking up in awe at the painting.

"Woah" he said "The people look wierd though"

Suddenly the charcaters in the painting all glared at him.

"Excuse me!" said the middle wizard in the painting

John and Jake jumped backwards in surprise, but the wizard in the painting continued to glare at John.

"It is extremmely rude to insult someone when they are right there, you deserve to be taught a lesson!"

And with that the wizard in the painting raised his wand and shot a beam of white electricity at John, it passed right through the confines of the painting and hit John right in his sqare glasses.

"Ahh!" John cried out as he held a pale hand close to his face. He paused a second before opening his eyes and waving his hand in front of his face.

"Damn, I cant see a thing without my glasses!" cried John as he stumbled around trying to find something to hold on to.

Jake steadied his friend before turning and glaring daggers at the smug wizard.

"Hey pal! You didn't have to go do that, gosh, you could have just let him off!"

The wizard's face grew thunderous as he stared at the pale english boy.

"Jeesh, seems eveyone needs a lesson in manners these days" said the wizard before flicking his wand and breaking Jake's glasses as well.

Jake cried out just as John had done before him and took off his now useless glasses before opening his eyes. Everything was blurry, it was lik when you dont have contacts and suddenly opened your eyes underwater... but less painful of course.

"John! John old chum! Come towards me"

There was a small crash and John's strained voice found its way to Jake's ears

"Oh yeah! Thats a great idea(!) I'm as blind as a bat and you want me to find you! Perfect, and while I'm at it I'l just go find the stairs and try to walk down them shall I?!"

Jake sighed and gave an eye roll.

"He broke my glasses too! Now just walk in the direction of my voice."

There was a small sigh and grumbling under breath before a few footsteps and another crash with a loud call of "FUCK!"

Ah... John must of fallen on one of those suits of armour. Eventually there was a hand on his shoulder and a heavily breathing John next to him.

"Ok, now what?" asked John

Jake honestly didnt know. He thought for a moment before facepalming from his stupidity

"Jade's glasses!" he cried as he hit his fist against his hand. John's hand left his shoulders and a moment later there was a click and a sigh of relief.

"I'll never take sight for granted ever again" said John.

Jake smiled and slipped on the pair of circular glasses Jade gave him, instantly his sight was restored. He saw John looking at him with a dorky smile as he adjusted his own cirlcular glasses, a few feet away from them a suit of armour lay scattered around the floor.

"Oh I must say that is much better" said Jake as he looked around.

"Maybe we should spilt up" suggested John as he hung his head a little, "I just got us both into trouble and maybe if we go seperate ways I wont endanger you."

Jake frowned.

"Why do you think that old chum? Is it just because of that?" he asked

John shifted uncomfortably

"Well, mostly. But it's also because Dirk would kill me if anything happened to you."

Jake closed his eyes and laughed, however when he opened them John was no where in sight.

"Huh" said Jake. He hoped John would be ok on his own. He turned around and walked away looking for somewhere new to explore.

**Ok thats it, chapter one done. THIS IS THE ONLE THAT WILL STAY THE SAME! ALL OF THE DIFFERENT TIMELINES SPIN OFF OF THIS ONE FROM NOW ON!**

**K bye ;)**


	2. Timeline 1

**Welcome to chapter two, plz R&R (Read and review) **

**DISCLAIMER: I DONT NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR HOMESTUCK.**

**P.S: I know that John and Jake probably look nothing like Harry, but for the purposes of this story when they wear circular glasses they just do ok?**

**P.P.S: The glasses make John's eyes look much duller then they actually are**

**BEGIN!**

**SPLINTERED TIMELINE 1**

John didnt really want to leave Jake, but he knew he had to, if he stuck with Jake then he would of just ended up fucking things up for the both of them.

Le sigh

John adjusted his circular glasses, he had been very lucky that Jade had given there to him, if she hadn't, he would of most likely still have been stumbling around the castle. John used the wind to create a couple of mini tornadoes to swirl around him before running a hand through his black hair and sighing... it sure was more boring without Jake here.

He walked around a corner and then straight into someone tall and dressed in black robes.

"Ah, sorry, I wasnt watching where I was going, are you ok?" John asked as he rubbed his sore nose.

He opened his eyes and took in the form in front of him, it was an adult, and he was male, he was sickenly pale and had greasy black hair and a hooked nose. He was dressed in black robes and was staring at him with soulless black eyes. John gulped and took a little half step backwards.

"S-sorry" he apologised again.

John was about to turn around and make a hasty retreat when a cold voice stopped him

"Mr Potter, where do you think you're going?"

John was confused

"Potter?" he asked

The man nodded.

"You were supposed to be in my classroom for your lesson against defending yourself from the Dark Lord's mind 7 minutes ago."

The man's voice was monotonous and smooth and could be classed as friendly if not for the sharp edge of danger to it. John sucked in a breath (**HA breath... punpunpunpunpun**) and flicked his blue eyes around wildly.

"Umm" he said, but he had no other words, for poor John had no idea what on earth was going on... potter? dark lord? lesson? What the fuck!?

However before John could open his mouth to ask anything the man had grabbed his shoulder in a bony death grip and began practically dragging him down the corridoor.

"W-wait! Where are we going? What are you doing? Who are-"

"SILENCE POTTER!"

John flinched at the sharp tone and quickly shut his mouth as he allowed himself to be lead more like dragged) into a freezing room made of dark stone that had one chair in and a variety of glass vials that contained liquids of every colour.

"Sit" said the man as he pushed John towards the chair.

John stumbled forward _Gog why was he so unbalanced?! _He looked around and wildly tried to figure out what the hell was happening.

"Sit!" the command came again but louder this time. Yet John still didn't move, he just continued to stand there and try and figure out what he should say or do in this situation.

"SIT!" this time the order came with a force that knocked John backwards into the seat and pin him there

_What just happened!? Why cant I get up!?_

Now John was not stupid... derpy, yes... but not stupid. He took a deep breath and then as loud as he could yelled one word

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"

The man seemed surprised and stumbled back a couple of steps before glaring wildly at him. When no one came to John's rescue he began to panic a little bit, his breath began coming quicker as he began to hyperventilate.

John nearly jumped out of his skin when a cool hand came down on his forehead. The man looked concerned for about a second before removing his hand and giving the boy a stern expression. He then walked back to the front of the room and John's terror began to rise again, the man lifted a stick... stick?... oh it was a wand!

...

Oh shit

The man raised his wand and was about to say something when the door to the room suddenly swung open revealing a relatively tall boy with blonde hair wearing black robes with a green trim. In his panic John missed the fact that the boy was in fact not wearing shades and screamed at him as loud as he could

"DAVE! DAVE HELP ME!"

The boy whirled around with a shocked expression on his face before it settled into a sneer

"Potter"

John screamed again... but in frustration this time

"WHO THE FUCK IS POTTER!?"

The boy and the man recoiled at the use of language and both pulled out thier wands when suddenly another boy walked into the room, he looked slightly annoyed. He had circular glasses and black hair with black robes complete with a red trim.

"I'm sorry I'm late Professor Snape. I fell asleep and then ran into this blonde who wont stop following me"

The newly named Snape and the blonde boy both stared at the other with disbelievement before the boy asked slowly

"Potter?"

The boy turned to him and raised an eyebrow

"Yes Malfoy?"

The man and the blonde's eyes widened before they both slowly turned to look at John who was regarding the exchange with a little fear and curiosity.

"Wait..." said Malfoy "If you are Harry Potter..." he moved his finger towards John, "then who is he?"

Everyone stared at John for a while which made him uncomfortable. Suddenly another boy appeared in the doorway, kinda tall, thin, swept blonde hair, and wearing some ironic as fuck shades. He tapped Harry on the shoulder

"Geez man you can run fast, now answer me, where the fuck is Jake?"

"Dave!" cried out John in unmeasurable relief

The newly appointed 'Dave' turned around and caught sight of John on the chair

"Egbert?" he asked

John gave a massive grin

"Well who else would I be?!"

Dave looked back and forth between Harry and John, he then turned to Harry and said calmly

"What is the best movie ever made?"

Harry looked confused, his expression mirroring basically everyone else's in the room.

"I-I don't know" said Harry eventually.

Dave then turned to John and asked the same question, John grinned again

"Con Air, obviously"

Dave gave a relieved sigh and jogged over to John

"John, what are you doing here... and what happened to your glasses?"

"John?" asked Snape, Malfoy and Harry all together at once

John turned an glared at them.

"Yes, John Egbert, you would have known my name if you had bothered to listen to me for one second. And secondly Dave, me and Jake got out glasses broken by a crazy man in a painting and we had to wear the glasses Jade gave us."

Dave raised an eyebrow

"A dude in a painting broke your glasses?"

John nodded wildly

"I kinda insulted him and he said that he needed to each me a lesson so he broke my glasses, Jake stood up for me so the guy broke his glasses to. We then used Jade's glasses and split up and then I ran into the man over there and he brought me here and stuck me to the chair."

Snape stood a little straighter and cleared his throat awkwardly

"Well, it appears there has been little bit of a mix-up here."

He was about to say something else when there was suddenly a very loud (and very British) voice that came from the hallway

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BLASTED CRAZY PEOPLE!"

Suddenly another boy ran into the room

"Devilfucking dickens! Is this whole castle full of insanity?!"

Snape, Harry, and Malfoy all stared open mouthed at the newcomer, he looked exactly like John and Harry! He even had the same glasses!

But before anyone could say anything a tall and awkward ginger raced into the room followed closely by a girl with bushy brown hair. The girl put her hand on the Harry look a like 2 and panted out

"Harry... will you... stop... run...ning off... please"

She then got her breath back and looked up to the scene in front of her, first of all, Harry had his hands on his knees and was still muttering curses under his breath, she caught a couple such as "cheese and fucking crackers!" and "jesus christofer kringlefucker"

The second thing she noticed was that 'Harry' was also sitting in a chair, it seemed he was under some sort of binding spell. Standing next to him was a blonde wearing black mirrored shades and a long red sleeved white top. He looked concerned for the 'Harry' stuck in the chair but was obviously trying to mask it under a calm façade.

The third thing she noticed was that 'Harry' also happened to be standing next to Draco looking very confused and baffled. Suddenly the 'Harry' in the chair smiled and called out a name.

"Jake! Over here!"

The 'Harry' she and Ron had been chasing snapped his head up and smiled relieved at the 'Harry' in the chair.

"John! It's so good so see you again chap! I was worried so I came to find you when these two dadblasted brutes came after me calling me Harry the whole time!"

The english 'Harry' now apparently called Jake went over to the 'Harry' in the chair, now labelled as John and gave him a hug."

Ron's eyes widened considerably

"Wait a sec... what the bloody hell is going on?!"

Surprisingly it was Snape that answered

"Well. Mr Potter was late for his lesson so I went looking for him. I rounded the corner and he ran into me... at least, I thought it was him. So I lead him down here-"

"*Cough_dragged_cough*" came John's voice. Nobody missed the angry flash of Dave's shades as John finished that statement."

Snape hardened his gaze

"Yes, if you wish to call it that. I told him to sit and he wouldn't so I performed a small _ligavris _charm on him. Then I was ready to start the practice when all of this happened."

"Wait," said Malfoy... "so why do you all look alike so much?"

However there was no chance for an answer because just then a boy walked past the room in the corridor completely oblivious to everyone in there as he tied to make the girl who had a hold of his leg let go.

"Oh Dracy (Drake-ee) poos you look amazing! I love what you did with your hair! Its so spiky, and those pointy shades really bring out your cheekbones! Come on Malfoy give me a kiss!"

The blonde with the spiked hair kicked his leg but the girl held tight

"Get off me you crazy bitch!" he growled/yelled

"Strider?" asked Jake from the other side of the room.

'Strider' then looked up and when he saw Jake his eyebrows raised to his hairline and with newfound energy he kicked the clingy girl off of his leg and ran to Jake before sweeping him up in his arms and swinging him round before bringing him back down and kissing him in front of everyone.

Jake gave a little squeak as Dave chuckled and John giggled. The rest of the people in the room jaw's dropped to the floor as they watched the scene unfold in front of them.

"Can someone please tell me who you guys are?" asked Harry as he stood next to his two best friends.

"Oh sure. I'm John Egbert, the cool dude next to me is Dave Strider, the one being kissed is Jake English, and the guy kissing him is Dave's brother Dirk."

Harry gave a small nod

"Ok, and what are you doing here?"

Jake was released for a breath of air. He reached into his pocket and brought out an opened letter and handed it to Harry, a deep blush still on his face.

"Well then. When can I get out of the chair?"

Snape flicked his wand and John could suddenly get up he got up and stretched out all his limbs and then floated into the air and flying round the ceiling.

"You can fly?!" squealed Hermionie as she pointed at him. The of course diverted everyone elses attention from the letter to the laughing boy who was holding his stomach and rolling in the air as he laughed at thier faces.

"Yeah, I control the wind. You're looking at the Heir of Breath here"

"That's awesome" breathed Ron

John shrugged

"Not really... Dave controls time and Dirk destroys souls... oh and Jake... well, we dont really know what he does cause he's a page and has not unlocked his full power yet"

And with that Draco threw up his hands and walked out of he room

"I am so done"

**Ok thanks for reading. The next oneshot will not be related to this one at all. Please R&R. If I get a lot of reviews then I will upload the next oneshot... after writing it.**


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